Was, Is, If?

First of all,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREA ONG!!!!
<3<3 You're officially 20 now. I LOVE YOU TO THE MAX!! <3<3

Hahahaha...I'm excited as she is. I wish I'm there with her. Gosh. I miss her and I miss Ipoh!! Forever damn-ing Tanjung Malim. I get so bored looking at the same shops over and over again. Sheesh.

ANYWAY, I'm actually quite free these days because I finished up my assignments thanks to Ravina who really really helped me a lot. We have one more last one to go and done. Ill start studying by then and after I get back my results for mid term. Not looking forward to it at all.

Living here in Tanjung Malim had actually made me into a more sensible person. I WAS sensible but not enough. I find that comparing myself to the me in Form 4, its a huge difference. I was once a very careless and lazy to think person. Kind of like acting without thinking which got me into various troubles. Guess, thats not there anymore. I miss my old self...Getting in trouble gets the adrenaline rushing. Excitement. Teenage rebels we call it :)

Coming here, I had learn more about living without depending. I have 2 best friends who can barely influence me and they are actually all I have to go on. It brings me to an imagination where 'What could have happened to me IF I never met them?' I guess I would be the only living soul in my own world.

Here...I'm still feeling a bit lack of love. Seems like having a boyfriend is like not having one. He's too busy until he pushes me to one side claiming that he has test every week and he needs to study. Last time before he started studying in uni, I could miss him so much until I breakdown. Now, I cant feel it any longer...I dont know whats going on anymore and because I want to protect myself from getting hurt (I always try to which didnt work) I never ask and I never want to.

I dont want to cause trouble and arguments neither would I wanna lose him. What's his job of a boyfriend? I dont know whether he knows what his job is..Leave me hanging for all I know. I feel drifted away from him. He only thinks of himself about how important studies are to him. Its like as if studies are not important to me. Waiting for him to text one message is like waiting for the rain in a drought.

Love is complicated, blind, pain and definitely the most wonderful and powerful thing in the world. Yet, I'm 19 going on 20 still wanting to be loved rather than only me loving people around me. My heart is always open yet its hardened. I can feel love yet sometimes I feel stupid. The love that I felt from the people who loved me will get twice as much love that I could give.

People who treats me kindly will get double the kindness from me.
People who gives me laughter will get double the laughter from me.
People who gives me support will get double the support from me,

Imagine the other way.

If you treat me like throwing salt on my wound, imagine what I would do? I will throw bricks on your wound. If you treat my best friends like piercing their heart with a needle, I will pierce through yours with poison dagger.

WARNING:-
I'm dangerous. Dont mess with me and my heart. Dont mess with my best friends or you'd better call an ambulance.